Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: Review

• This is a NON-Spoiler review for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.

• Plot Summary: "Thrust into an all-new adventure, a down-on-his-luck Capt. Jack Sparrow feels the winds of ill-fortune blowing even more strongly when deadly ghost sailors led by his old nemesis, the evil Capt. Salazar, escape from the Devil's Triangle. Jack's only hope of survival lies in seeking out the legendary Trident of Poseidon, but to find it, he must forge an uneasy alliance with a brilliant and beautiful astronomer and a headstrong young man in the British Navy."

• Let me start with my thoughts on this series in general. I saw the Pirates of the Caribbean movies at a pretty young age. It was one of the first blockbuster series I ever watched. So I have some heavy nostalgia for the series. We re-watched the entire series before seeing the new one. This time around I loved the first one “The Curse of the Black Pearl”. I thought the second one “Dead Man’s Chest” was a little boring until the last act. And the third one “At World’s End” was even more boring with even less payoff at the end. The second and third I thought weren't very fun because they were so focused on having a dark tone instead of just being fun adventures. I actually applaud what they were trying to do in the fourth one “On Stranger Tides”, which was trying to make it a fun adventure with some dark things along the way like the first one. But everything they tried to do just ended up being stupid. Hans Zimmer deserves a lot more credit than he gets because that theme he created is remarkable. I will say that if you've been a fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean series, then you should see try this one. And definitely stay until after the credits. As for me, I was very disappointed in Dead Men Tell No Tales.

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• I think this movie sucks. I actually thought the first five minutes of the movie was setting up for a good movie. It had Jack as more of a Han Solo type side character. And it introduced two characters that I thought were interesting at the start. The two new characters introduced are Henry Turner played by Brenton Thwaites, and Carina Smyth played by Kaya Scodelario. The first few minutes I thought these were good characters. The opening scene introduces us to Henry who is the son of Will and Elizabeth. I thought he had an interesting motivation in the opening. And I thought it would be fun to see the son of Will and Elizabeth going on an adventure with Jack. But he isn't really likable or interesting after the first ten minutes. He's just kinda along with the adventure. And I think the reason for that is that this movie has a plot that doesn't make you care. It has so many useless scenes and characters that distract you from the overall plot. Henry needs to find the Trident of Poseidon but it doesn't make you care or feel the urgency of that plot. Carina Smyth, I don't think fits in this movie at all. It felt like she had her own movie to the side and her movie had pirates featured in it. She had this Atlantis type movie where she's a young scientist searching for something and the pirates just happen to be featured in her movie.

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• Let's talk about everyone's favorite Jack Sparrow. Let me just say one thing before I get into this. I haven't blamed Johnny Depp for anything the script makes Jack do that's cartoonish. I know that Jack's cartoonishness in the second through fourth movies is a big flaw at times. I have never thought that Johnny Depp was the problem. I blame the scripts for making him do stupid things like fighting two old ladies with fruit and a stick on his back until he gets turned into a kabob. But I have always thought that Johnny Depp's acting has made it work for the most part. He has always brought charisma to this role in my opinion. But this time it doesn't work at all. Jack Sparrow isn't as entertaining as he used to be. In the first movie, he was actually a good captain and a criminal. But in this movie, he sadly is a bit Jar Jar like. He isn't the great Captain Jack Sparrow that he used to be. Alice Through the Looking Glass was my least favorite movie of 2016 and I think Johnny Depp was completely annoying in that movie. I'm seeing a little bit of that same kind of acting coming through here. It's the most over the top Johnny Depp goes with Jack Sparrow he's ever gone before. He was nominated for an Oscar in the first Pirates people!!!! Hopefully, he can go to better places now like Murder on the Orient Express and The Invisible Man.

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• Let's talk about the new villain Captain Salazar played by Javier Bardem. I thought he had a great intro and Javier Bardem brought his best. But the villain did close to nothing. I love the design and he was very intimidating at the start but it went nowhere and it was completely dull. The original plot they released for Dead Man Tell No Tales was Javier Bardem's character setting out to destroy all pirates. Which he did want to do in the flashback you see in the trailers. When I heard that plot, I thought it was going to be Jack and Will teaming up again to help fight to save all the pirates. Doesn't that sound way more interesting than one guy wanting Jack dead? OH MY GOSH Paul McCartney's in this movie! My second favorite character in the series is Captain Barbosa played by Geoffrey Rush. Geoffrey Rush is amazing in Curse of the Black Pearl. Every time he's played him since has been boring. Every time Geoffrey Rush has come back (except for the fourth one) Barbosa really has nothing to do except sword fight someone in the battle scenes. This time they try to do something with him that I hate. The story tries to make Barbosa more relevant to the plot that I won't spoil but in my opinion, it wasn't earned. Can we not just have him be a good villain again?

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• The young Johnny Depp effect that was in the trailer I thought was absolutely horrible in the movie. Hopefully, Scorsese can finally make the de-aging effect work in a movie. The script is actually really bad. 75% of the jokes don't land. It never felt like a Pirates movie to me. It honestly felt sometimes like an SNL sketch version of Pirates. The script made me care about nothing. And the end it left me feeling empty. As I said if you've been a Pirates fan then you should give this one a shot. I think kids will really enjoy this movie. It's not complete trash. But Dead Men Tell No Tales did leave a lifetime Pirates fan disappointed. This one needed to be a hit to keep this series alive. My grade for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is a C