Assassin's Creed: Review

• This is a NON-Spoiler review for Assassin's Creed. Although I probably couldn't spoil it for you because I have no idea what happened in this movie. If someone asked me if they should see this movie, I would answer them with a Captain America quote - "Son, just don't."

• Plot Summary: "Based on the popular video game series. When Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) explores the memories of his ancestor Aguilar and gains the skills of a Master Assassin, he discovers he is the descendant of the secret Assassins society."

• Let me say all the positive things about this movie now. There are some good action scenes and the cinematography looks good. That's it!

• The biggest problem with this movie is that nearly nothing at all feels like the video game. The assassins aren't stealthy. There isn't one scene where an Assassin sneaks up behind someone and uses the hidden blade. Even though the movie was nothing like the video game it still sucks. Let me begin my list of complaints. But definitely, don't see this completely forgettable movie. I actually went to target and bought Assassin's Creed: Syndicate to cheer myself up.

• Apparently, the casting director has no idea what Michael Fassbender looks like. They cast a little red headed kid with dimples that looks absolutely NOTHING like Michael Fassbender to play a young Michael Fassbender. And not only that, they hire Brendon Gleeson to play his father. Who also looks nothing like him. There are way too badly made subtitles in a lot of scenes. If you have subtitles in a scene, you're asking me to not pay attention to the rest of the screen. And they make you read the most useless things like "Don't let them escape." and "Get them!"

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• Another STUPID thing is that in this story the Assassin's just lived on until modern times. So you have a scene with modern day assassin's with hoodies on with the hood up. They make the hoods feel so stupid. There's a crap load of random moments that make no sense at all. Like Michael Fassbender singing "I'm going craaaazzy!!" IN FACT! (sorry I'm mad) the entire movie makes no sense at all. I don't really understand why these people need Michael Fassbender in the machine. I don't understand why the bad guys are bad or what is going on until way too far into the movie.

• 75% of this movie is spent outside of the machine. It should have been - they recruit Michael Fassbender and they send him in the machine with another Assassin to show him how things are done and they STAY IN THE MACHINE! The whole movie feels like a very very slow beginning. Just about every scene drags on for forever. And the most anticipated moment of the trailer SUCKS! You know that scene in the trailer where you see an assassin dive off the tower and he's falling and the trailer ends. Well, guess how the scene goes - (spoilers for this scene but who cares) - He dives off and he's falling and falling and when he's about land like he does in the game the machine turns off and your back to present day. That's completely insulting to us as an audience. They gave us a trailer and they showed us this moment and they were telling us "Hey this is gonna be cool.” And they TOOK IT AWAY FROM US!!!!

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• So overall this movie is awful. If I could change my worst movies of 2016 list, I would make Assassin's Creed number 5. Just above Peculiar Children and below Zoolander 2. Entire scenes and plot points make no sense. The fact that the games weren't studied by the filmmakers really shows. It's not like I could do with Suicide Squad where I just forgot about all the problems and just had fun, there's not much action or fun in this movie. The trailer shows a little bit of every action scene. And it's way too long (or maybe that was just me). And the whole story spends most of its time in the WRONG place. The grade for Assassin's Creed is a D. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE! Go see La La Land. PLEASE!